Thursday, May 9, 2013

More Musings

I'm in a private group on Facebook, for people who suffer from invisible illnesses, most of them have what I have, some have other things, but there is much in common between us. Recently someone was writing about anger and the need to allow yourself the right to be angry (yes, it's ok to be angry sometimes - it isn't a sin. Ephesians 4:26 simply says "In your anger do not sin" - that's the rub) Anyway, I posted something which became sort of a ramble, and I thought I would share it here.

 I love spring (when it finally gets here) and yet at the same time I am reminded by the kayaks in the garage, the camper in the driveway, the weeds in my yard, the place where we were going to build an outdoor entertaining area, my old recipe books, the stuff I never unpacked after moving, the unpainted walls which are showing marks, the antiques business I had to give up, the art I cannot get done, the fact that the visit to the acupuncturist is a vacation day because I got out of the house, the places I cannot go to hike, the traveling I cannot do, the fashions I don't care about anymore, the people whom I used to know but are gone, my dogs who wonder why I never walk them
now (my husband does), and cannot play anymore with them, the nature reserve down the road where I cannot go, the pond where I cannot walk to...............I had a cry again last night, and another prayer. Grief does not come once and then it's gone. Grief visits often and comes sometimes when least expected, and I embrace it and then 
let it go. I cannot stay in it, it is not meant to be lived in. I acknowledge these losses and look for other golden moments in unexpected places - the birds I have grown to love and learn about 
which swarm all around our feeders and nest by our house, the art that I am able to get done, the time to notice the small and even large beauty around me which I was too busy to notice before. My cat's contented purr. The owl I watch when I sit on the front porch. The horses as they roll in the grass in the pasture across the road. Life is a 
patchwork quilt for me now, a mixture of anger, sadness, happiness, peace, grief, joy, loss, gain, and growth.

I do get angry sometimes, and why not, nothing in this world is as it was meant to be, but I acknowledge it and give it up to Jesus, who understands and replaces it with peace. One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17, "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing". What comfort!

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